My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied," In the lake." -Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Asia, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.It only seems longer.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Jokes: Cyanide & Others...
Cyanide Please!
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." the husband said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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After waking up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
--------------------------------------------------
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." the husband said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
------------------------------------------
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
-----------------------------------------
After waking up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
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